classic_southern_belle on Xanga

It's been quite some time since I've written an entry. I still sign in once or twice a week to catch up with others' entries, but I haven't taken the time to sit down and write me own in a while!

The past 6 months or so of life have been a really pivotal point for me. Most of it stemmed from my job. Nannying has had it's ups and downs for sure, and the past 6 months have mostly been downs. After a few intense conversations with my boss, though, it looks like I'll be moving out this summer and getting my own place! Hopefully this will ease a lot of the tension I'm experiencing in the house and with the family. It will also give me a place to let my friends crash when they come to visit- holllaaaa! So grab a cheap ticket (www.airfarewatchdog.com) and COME SEE ME!

Between working full time and being a full time student, life really just got kind of nuts. This summer though is proving to be a great one. Memorial Day weekend was amazing- great friends, tons of BBQ's, lots of cold beer, and more relaxation than one should really have. I'll have pictures up as soon as someone uploads some to Facebook (I didn't take any of my own as I was hosting it up most of the time!)

A week from today my dearest, wonderful friend Chrissy is marrying her darling man Jay. Chrissy and I have had such a fun, crazy relationship. We met via Parker Young (can't thank the man enough, and we still have never met haha) when I first moved to Jersey nearly 2 years ago. Funny enough, I'd read her Xanga long before we even met and didn't realize it was actually her until a while after developing a friendship with her in Jersey! God's got a really funny sense of humor like that. She and I hit it off immediately. She's ended up being such a strong pillar in my life. Chrissy is such a wonderful, amazing friend and mentor. I love this woman so much it's ridiculous. Jay is one of the best men I've ever met; I don't think I've ever been around him without laughing my ass off, and he's such a great fit for Chrissy! They've shown me the type of relationship I want one day, and they've been a great example of love. Chrissy and Jay, you're both wonderful individuals and you make a spectacular couple; I'm really overjoyed that I can be part of their day.

Currently
Pride & Prejudice
By Dario Marianelli, Caroline Dale, Benjamin Wallfisch, William Lyons, English Chamber Orchestra, Jean-Yves Thibaudet, Aidan Broadbridge
The Secret Life of Daydreams
see related

Sunday, 07 December 2008

It's funny how God starts to convict me of certain things on my own, then brings whatever it is I'm struggling with to surface at church on Sundays. For over a year, every Sunday morning God has spoken directly to me in that small cafe. My response has varied; plenty of times I've ignored His words, occasionally I take heed and really search to change an aspect fo my life, other times I'm merely there, letting the pastor's words flow in one ear and out the other.
I don't know what life is about to bring, but I know that God is changing me again. It's something big, and something scary, and I'm honestly terrified. I'm tired of half-assing my relationship with Christ. My validation, as a woman, as a Christian, as a human, cannot come from men, but must come from God. It's easy to type these words, it's even easy to say them, but to truely grasp them and cling to this truth is the most difficult thing I've attempted.
I was reading 1 Samuel this afternoon in the calm of my living room, the family gone and the scent of Christmas tree in the air. Hannah, Samuel's mother, had long desired for a child when God granted her one, Samuel. I was scheduled to work tonight, and was quite dreading it, as I've worked late nights 3 nights already this week and I'm supposed to have weekends off. As I was reading about Hannah giving Samuel back to God, the phone rang, and my boss informed me she didn't need me afterall tonight. It sounds profoundly simple, but to me was an affirmation of God's love, and his blessing on those who seek Him. My wish for tonight, above everything else, was to be able to relax; obviously babysitting 3 girls wasn't going to factor into that very well. But God stepped in and provided where I saw no provision coming.
I know that life will not be dandy; hell, if anyone is of the realization that God doesn't make life "easy" it's me. But I do know that my passions, my dreams, they will be fulfilled through Him. There's a version of Jeremiah 29:11 speaks of God giving us the future we hope for, if only we can trust Him. I think it's a lot for me to think of my entire future at this point, but I know that for today, God has me taken care of.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Broken... it's where I am right now. It's a place... not really a feeling or emotion. It's a state of my being, my existence. Much of it has been caused by my actions, but my actions certainly spur from events out of my control. Between the loss of myself as a person and the physical loss of my mother, which I'm just now truely grieving after 6 1/2 years, I'm not really sure who I am or what I'm doing with my life.
I've hit that rock bottom pit, but it's strange... It's not like you would imagine it. Rather, it's not like I imagined. I'm surrounded by love. I feel it being poured into me and over me, day after day. My friends, my family, my church are constantly loving on me and filling me to the brim with hope and encouragement. I don't feel hopeless. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that the only way is up from here, but I'm not quite sure how to get there.
I can't feel God... I'm not sure if I'm choosing not to feel him, or if he's not reaching out to me... I know he's there. I see him in everything; the fall colors, the smiles on my girls' faces, the joy between friends, the beauty of life in general. I know he's real, I'm just not sure how to access him right now.
Again, it's a strange place to be.

Monday, 08 September 2008

Psalm 133
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brethren to dwell together in unity!

It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Running down on the beard,
The beard of Aaron,
Running down on the edge of his garments.

It is like the dew of Hermon,
Descending upon the mountains of Zion;
For there the LORD commanded the blessing—
Life forevermore.

Oh the healing and restorative power of our God. And the wonderful people I can call my friends. Sometimes I get down in the trenches, and it's so wonderful to have a God who pulls me out and a group of friends who fight with me, and for me, and for us.

Tuesday, 02 September 2008

Miscellaneous

Say what you want, I believe, with everything in me, that God's hand was in works with Gustav. It did absolutely minimal damage to what it was projected to do. All of my friends came out of it unscathed, as did their property. Thank You for sparing so many lives and homes!
The past 6 weeks have been a blur of emotions for me. I've had some of the hardest times, and I'm struggling with some really tough shit right now. It's been absolutely trying on my heart and spirit, and I've been battling that damn depression on a daily basis. I feel like in some weird way I'm being thrown back to my senior year of high school, and I hate it.
I think the worst part of all of it is that I feel like I want to cave in. There's really not much left of me and I really don't want to put up this fight anymore. This battle is making me weary.
I know the answer. I do. I'm just in selfish mode right now, and I have no clue how to get out of it. It's a scarey time.